Confession

Here goes: I suck at hospitality.  And worse, I don't like it.  Even the word makes me uncomfortable.  It's a little shameful for me to admit this, being from the South and all.  We're supposed to be pros.  This was basically bred into me.  But I never caught on.  Or maybe I chose not to?  Either way, what we end up with is a 30-year-old girl who loves Jesus but fails at serving folks warmly.  I love meeting folks, introducing them to others, getting to know them, etc.  But the thought of having them over makes my blood pressure rise.  

In walks my husband.  He's a natural.  Truly, it just flows from him.  He doesn't overthink, underplan, or show the slightest bit of hesitation.  In fact, most of our hosting is his idea.  If not his idea, definitely his undertaking.  It's truly a blessing.  I get to do the "hosting" in terms of keeping conversation up, asking questions, at least offering something to drink.  He's planning the meal, prepping the food, and jumping in with some light-hearted humor here and there.  

I feel guilty.  I can't figure out if I should.  There are some pieces to serving others that I just need to be quicker at JUST DOING, regardless of how I feel.  I know I sound like a child.  I'm a little under-developed in some areas of maturity; it's not news to me.  Throw me a little grace.  Or at least don't voice your judgment.  The words in my head do that enough.  

The beauty (of marriage) is that I'm learning from him.  I'm trying to pick up his best traits.  I keep hoping as I scoot next to the ball of heat he becomes when we're sleeping that he will warm me too.  I want to serve like he does.  I want to do it as simply as he does, no calculation, no keeping track, no counting costs.  The differences that often make us untranslatable to each other are often the ones that create the beautiful balance that we thrive in.  In seeing him strong where I am weak, I get to thank God that we truly are better together than we ever could have been apart.  

I know I didn't really close my thoughts on this with a nicely tied bow, but I'm still ruminating.  And observing.  So I'll awkwardly close the conversation for now...  Feel free to share your observations/similar experiences/gratitude for your differences.

Marriage is Hard

I wrote this about a month ago as we were coming out of the "newness" bliss.  In hindsight, I'm so thankful for seasons as they teach me to be grateful for the really, really good ones.

There's too much I want to control for this to be easy for me.  Thankfully, God has paired me with someone who couldn't be controlled if his life depended on it.  It's not because he's wild and can't be harnessed; it's just that he's going to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to.  Period.  He won't roll over, not if he cares about something.  Often, he doesn't have an opinion.  Don't let that fool you.  It doesn't mean he's a follower or a pushover.  Oh no.  He just honestly doesn't care.  If he does, look out.  You'll never win.  (I LOVE this about him; it just doesn't always materialize at "convenient" times.)

So here we are.  We're almost 2 months into our marriage, and the pixie dust is wearing off.  I'm starting to feel a bit cramped now that his life has moved into the home I used to occupy alone.  Neither of us are neat-freaks, which has probably saved us a couple of fights already. However, that also means that piles have developed due to both of our procrastination in finding a home for two people's things in a house that used to suit one.  We both stand here, staring adulthood in the face.  Clearly I'm the late bloomer, being 30 and still never having lived on a budget or with a cleaning schedule.  I heard some of you gasp.  Don't judge me.  I prefaced this already with "I'm a late bloomer".  

Like everyone said, the crap in my heart (namely, selfishness) is raring its head.  I knew it would come, and its unwelcomed arrival has been blaring.  It's honestly hard to set goals about spiritual growth and personal accomplishment when the analytical perfectionist in me just keeps mulling over all my black-hearted limitations.  Shut up, Satan.  Shut the old tapes off.  I'm so done with you.  I certainly want to be.

God had a perfect plan in this; I still believe that amidst my frustration and doubt.  Multiple things in His Word promise that.  So I'll keep walking.  I want to first of all worship Him for who He is, despite and amidst my circumstances.  That always lends some clarity.  Second, I want to pray for the obstacles I see.  I want to take part in watching the miracle of His transformation in my life (and Kyle's too).  Sanctification is for now, too, praise the Lord.  Make ME new.  Today.  I'm hopeful.  And I'm grateful.  Both are a choice.  I continue to affirm that the major difference between children and adults is that "adults" understand that actions are independent of feelings, and you're still responsible for them.  I want to think before I speak, in all situations.  I want to pray with gratitude before I complain.  I want to build up, not tear down.   As much as it's up to me, I want to be the good that my husband, my family, and my friends see in me.  I will hold hope for my potential in Christ.  I'm grateful that Kyle believes in that potential for me along with accepting all that I am in the meantime.  Marriage IS hard, but IT'S WORTH IT.